Canonical List of Math Jokes - Part 8 of 10
The following humor is from Joachim Verhagen's collection of science and math
humor, with permission. -- MLC
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From: voigtman@informatik.tu-muenchen.de (Thomas Voigtmann)
This story is about the number 2^67-1, the 67th Mersenne number (numbers
Mersenne had claimed to be prime), which was proven to be non-prime in
1903 by F.N.Cole (1861-1927). In the October meeting of the AMS, Cole
announced a talk "On the Factorisation of Large Numbers".
He walked up to the blackboard without saying a word, calculated by hand
the value of 2^67, carefully subtracted 1.
Then he multiplied two numbers (which were 193707721 and 761838257287).
Both results written on the blackboard were equal. Cole silently walked
back to his seat, and this is said to be the first and only talk held
during an AMS meeting where the audience applauded. There were no
questions. It took Cole about 3 years, each Sunday, to find this
factorisation, according to what he said.
This is freely quoted from E.T.Bell's book "Mathematics: Queen and
Servant of Science", published in London, 1952; you can find the story
in David Wells: "The Penguin Dictionary of Curious and Interesting
Numbers" (Penguin Books, 1986)
For the curious: 2^67 -1 = 193707721 x 761838257287 = 147573952589676412927
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From: Kurt Jaeger
One of my undergrad professors was asked what kind of problems would
be on the final. His answer: "Just study the old tests. The problems
will be the same, just the numbers will be different. But not all the
numbers will be different. Pi will be the same. Planck's constant will
be the same... "
Another professor, when asked how many problems there would be on the
final, turned to the student and replied, "I think you will have lots
of problems on the final."
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From: caj@baker.math.niu.edu (Xcott Craver)
"Paper or plastic?"
"Not 'Not paper AND not plastic!!'"
-- Augustus DeMorgan in a grocery store
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From: Anthony Peck
Q: Divide 14 sugar cubes into 3 cups of coffee so that each
cup has an odd number of sugar cubes.
A: 1, 1, 12
Riposte: 12 isn't odd!
A: It's an odd number of cubes to put in a cup of coffee. (groan)
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8 5
If lim - = oo (infinity), then what does lim - = ?
x->0 x x->0 x
answer: (write 5 on it's side)
And the following variation:
From: Omar Lakkis
Since one has
lim (8/n) = oo,
n->0
then for each Z, one has
lim (Z/n) = N.
n->0
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From: "Mark Chatterton"
Q: Can an English major learn Math?
A: Cosecant!
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From: markrot@Glue.umd.edu (Mark Peter Rothlisberger)
Q: What is black and white ivory and fills space?
A: A piano curve.
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Q: What's purple and commutes?
A: An abelian grape.
Q: What's purple, commutes, and is worshiped by a limited number of people?
A: A finitely venerated abelian grape.
From: bs@st-andrews.ac.uk (Ben Soares)
Q: What's green, dangerous, and commutative?
A: An abelian grape with a machine gun.
(and that one's just plain silly)
From: Al Gerheim
Q: What's an Abelian group under addition, is closed, associative,
distributive, and bears a curse?
A: The ring of the Nibilung.
Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation function,
the more expensive it becomes to compute?
A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
Q: What do a mathematician and a physicist [or engineer, or musician,
or whatever the profession of the person addressed] have in common?
A: They are both stupid, with the exception of the mathematician.
Q: What do you get when you mix 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?
A: One hundred sows-and-bucks
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
A: To get to the other ... er, um ...
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From: Jos van Kan
Q: What's yellow, linear, normed and complete?
A: A Bananach space.
From: dmc@sjfc.edu (Dan Cass)
Q: What's polite and works for the phone company?
A: A deferential operator.
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From: ejones@hooked.net (Earle Jones)
In Alaska, where it gets very cold, pi is only 3.00. As you know,
everything shrinks in the cold. They call it Eskimo pi.
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From: "S. A. Maas"
Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York.
About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost
an engine, but don't worry, there are three left. However, instead
of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later,
he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left,
but it would take 10 hours to get to New York. Somewhat later, the
pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine
had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on
a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to New
York. At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said,
"I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"
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From: Bert Tagge
I will never forget the day in statistics when, the Professor, who had
all of the traditional looks of one (white hair, tweed jacket with
leather elbow patches) was writing on the board X sub i Y sub j; when
one of the students asked, "Don't you mean X sub j Y sub i?" The Prof
looked at the board a bit, then erased the marks with his sleeve, and
said "Yes, you are correct. Quite often I will say one thing, write
another, and be thinking a third. What I am thinking is correct, and
you will be tested on." Every jaw in the classroom hit the floor!
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From: wilson@condor.cs.jhu.edu (Dwight Wilson)
I saw the following in "The Knot Book" by Colin Adams (a very readable
introduction to Knot Theory). The joke is attributed to Joel Haas.
A woman walks into a bar accompanied by a dog and a cow.
The bartender says, "Hey, no animals are allowed in here."
The woman replies, "These are very special animals."
"How so?"
"They're knot theorists."
The bartender raises his eyebrows and says, "I've met a number of knot
theorists who I thought were animals, but never an animal that was a
knot theorist."
"Well, I'll prove it to you. Ask them them anything you like."
So the bartender asks the dog, "Name a knot invariant."
"Arf, arf" barks the dog.
The bartender scowls and turns to the cow asking, "Name a topological
invariant."
The cow says, "Mu, mu."
At this point the bartender turns to the woman, says, "Just what are you
trying to pull" and throws them out of the bar.
Outside, the dog turns to the woman and asks, "Do you think I should
have said the Jones polynomial?"
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From: Omar Lakkis
Institute of technology is burning.
Engineers realize they should pour some water on the fire to stop it.
As usual they make a rather rough "calculation" on the amount of water
and pour too much of it. They destroy the whole department but manage
to save their lives.
Applied Mathematicians, using a brand-new UFWT (Ultra fast wavelet
transform) technique calculate with a high degree of accuracy the
ammount of water required and so they save their lives AND the whole
department of applied mathematics.
The Pure Mathemticians are all dead! Why?
Well, in 2 minutes they found a very simple proof for the existence of
the solution... then they lost 3 hours trying to prove unicity.
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From: Tim Hagman
Remember, never put Horace before Descartes...
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From: jwalradt@rmci.net (John R. Walradt)
Q: Where do mathematicians go shopping?
A: At the decimall.
From: dhobus@YESnet.yk.ca (Dave and Sandy Hobus)
And when they park, they put their money in the decimeter.
From: Intech
Let's keep adding a few puns here, but don't let them divide us. The
denominating factor that will determine if your pun is worthy or not
will depend on if you can produce a good product or not.
From: "Les Stewart"
The mall was flooded, I tried to go by U-boat but I couldn't get any
sub-traction.
From: shelleyd@interport.net (Shelley Levine)
I'm sure the puns will multiply, and a fraction of them might even be good.
From: "J.A. McCulloch"
Why are mathematicians so negative?
Because they are nonplussed.
Why are there so many mathematicians?
Because they let nothing subtract from their multiplying.
From: Melanie Aultman
There was a girl who took her math book to the gym because she needed
to reduce her fractions....
From: Steve P.
I heard you had to borrow a lot of money to buy those new clothes.
Did you have a co-siner for your loan?
the tangent
From: Adnan
Couldn't we try seeing this from a different angle?
From: LoRdGoOsE
How could you be so obtuse?
From: Adnan (nldc@worldnet.att.net)
PI the way, who is keeping the log?
From: LoRdGoOsE
I'm not sure, but this log is NOT natural at all, need I enumerate
the probabilities?
From: "Pierre Abbat"
Q: What fish commutes?
A: An abelian grouper.
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A commentary on the teaching of mathematics, sent in by James Jackson of
Carlisle, Ind., appeared in "Echoes" (winter 1994), published by
Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology, Terre Haute, Ind. "Echoes" took it
from the 1993-94 issue of "21st Century" (not otherwise identified).
The commentary takes the form of a series of story problems:
In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is four-fifths of this price. What is his profit?
In 1970: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is four-fifths of this price, or $80. What is his profit?
In 1970 (new math): A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of
money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth
$1.00. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set M. The set C
of the costs of production contains 20 fewer points than set M. Represent
the set C as a subset of M, and answer the following question:
What is the cardinality of the set P of points?
In 1980: A logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. Her cost of
production is $80, and her profit is $20. Your assignment: underline
the number 20.
In 1990 (outcome-based education): By cutting down beautiful forest
trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a
living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and
squirrels feel?)
There are no wrong answers.
From: Mark Mihalasky
In 1997 (profit-driven education): By laying off 40% of the its loggers,
a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital
gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80?
Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because Republicans feel this
encourages investment.
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From: ajs@fc.hp.nospam.com (Alan Silverstein)
Hello, this is probably 438-9012, yes, the house of the famous
statistician. I'm probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the
phone, most probably the latter, according to my latest calculations.
Supposing that the universe doesn't end in the next 30 seconds, the odds
of which I'm still trying to calculate, you can leave your name, phone
number, and message, and I'll probably phone you back. So far the
probability of that is about 0.645. Have a nice day.
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From: "Jerome Schroeder"
In my last stats course I was amazed to hear my teacher announce that if
we did not like our results, all we needed to do was change our levels
of confidence. In short fib. This time to ourselves.
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From: larryc@teleport.com (Larry Caldwell)
Half the population is below median intelligence. Well over half the
population is above average. This is due to the fact that there is a
limit to human intelligence, but no limit to human stupidity.
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Thomas Godfrey, a self-taught mathematician, great in his way . . .
knew little out of his way, and was not a pleasing companion; as, like
most great mathematicians I have met with, he expected universal
precision in everything said, or was forever denying or distinguishing
upon trifles, to the disturbance of all conversation.
-- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790), Autobiography
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From: Don Olivier
Mathematics is like checkers in being suitable for the young, not too
difficult, amusing, and without peril to the state.
-- Plato (c.428-347 B.C) [Greek philosopher]
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It is a safe rule to apply that, when a mathematical or philosophical
author writes with a misty profundity, he is talking nonsense.
-- Alfred North Whitehead, An Introduction to Mathematics, 1948.
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Ernst Eduard Kummer (1810-1893), a German algebraist, was rather poor at
arithmetic. Whenever he had occasion to do simple arithmetic in class,
he would get his students to help him. Once he had to find 7 x 9.
"Seven times nine," he began, "Seven times nine is er -- ah --- ah --
seven times nine is. . . ." "Sixty-one," a student suggested. Kummer
wrote 61 on the board. "Sir," said another student, "it should be
sixty-nine." "Come, come, gentlemen, it can't be both," Kummer exclaimed.
"It must be one or the other."
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From: Ian Ellis
NAME: Strange matter
DESCRIPTION: Cartoons on science subjects.
The website also contains some pseudo-scientific articles by Nick D.
Kim. The name Strange Matter was first applied to these cartoons after
it was determined that when viewed, they are capable of inducing
observable distortions in the local sections of the Universe.
Such macroscopic perturbations to quantum reality are indeed an unusual
outcome to the act of cartoon observation, so it seemed appropriate the
name them in honour of one of the strangest substances known to
theoretical physics, Strange Matter.
MEDIUM: WWW: http://strangematter.sci.waikato.ac.nz/index.html
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From: ijf16@math.canterbury.ac.nz (Isaac Freeman)
This one's original. That is to say, I made it up myself, and I've
never met anyone else who claims to have invented it.
There was once a factory that specialised in armour. They made
leather jerkins, full plate suits, greaves, helmets, anything
that would stop an arrow or a sword.
One day, an order arrived from a foreign kingdom. It was a big
contract, to outfit an entire army with chain-mail leggings.
The factory owner was delighted, and immediately took the design
specifications down to the factory floor to begin production.
Several days later, a second message arrived. Due to various
circumstances, the design of the leggings had changed. The new
standardised national military uniform required that the hems be
lowered by several centimetres.
The factory owner grumbled about the loss of time and money involved
in changing the design, but there was nothing he could do. He took
the new plans down to the foreman.
Several days later, another new design arrived. The nation's uniform
requirements had changed again, and the hems must be raised, even
higher than the original design.
This went on for several weeks. Every few days, there was a change of
plan, and the leggings had to be changed. Sometimes the hems went up,
sometimes they went down, but every change meant a loss of money.
Finally one day, the factory owner called the foreman up to his office,
and asked him if there was any way to stop the appalling wastage.
"Well," said the foreman "it might be that the changes are gradually
settling down, and will eventually lead to a stable set of leggings.
If so, we could extrapolate from what we already know to find the
ultimate design, and start producing it now, knowing that it's what
they'll eventually ask for."
The factory owner agreed this was a good plan.
"On the other hand," continued the foreman, "it might be that the
changes will never settle down to any final form, in which case
there's nothing much we can do."
This prospect depressed the owner, and he demanded to know whether
there was any way to tell which situation they faced.
"Oh, certainly." said the foreman, "There's a simple way to tell."
He paused.
"It's called the Wire Trousers Hem Test for Uniform Convergence."
This was, of course, made up during an Analysis lecture.
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Q: What does a mathematicians answer, when you ask him/her if (s)he wants
the window open or closed?
A: Yes.
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MATH/PHYSICS VALENTINES
From: Mathew Gustafson
Remember those cheesy valentines you used to get when you were in
elementary school? Well I give something similar to my Math Physics
students on Valentines day. I tried it last year with good success and I
was hoping that I could get some more ideas for cards. So it was
recommended that I tap some of the greatest minds around, which is why
I'm here. I'm not sure if anyone can help me, but if you have any more
ideas or suggestions I would be greatly appreciative. Thanks in advance.
Mathew
The following is a list I have come up with already:
You're one of the fundamental forces in my life. Be my Valentine.
You're the net force that makes my heart accelerate. Be my Valentine.
There's an attraction between us, I think its gravity. Be my Valentine.
You're so great they should name a constant after you. Be my Valentine.
We're like opposite charges. Be my Valentine.
The lines of force point me towards you. Be my Valentine.
Like resonance tubes, we're in harmony together. Be my Valentine.
We add up to a good team. Be my Valentine.
If they plotted you and me on a scatter-plot, they would find a positive
correlation. Be my Valentine.
You're a positive exponent in my life. Be my Valentine.
You're the only variable for me. Be my Valentine.
Like functions, you're the only value for me. Be my Valentine.
From: "J Walradt"
Looking for an affractionate girl. Be my Valentine.
Meet you at the decimall. Be my Valentine.
From: "Marcel LeBlanc"
Talking about you, I told my best friend "I would never lever!"
Be my Valentine.
Do you also feel the attraction? Be my Valentine.
Do you see the gravity of this situation? You have to be my Valentine.
Ion the other hand, would love for you to be my Valentine.
The only predicate: Be my Valentine.
At absolute zero you would still move me. Be my Valentine.
Be my Valentine, even if it's only Faraday.
My theorem is: you'd be great as my Valentine.
I'm attracted, don't repel me. Be my Valentine.
We'd make a nice tuple on Valentine, be mine.
I want our relationship to be Ex-Static, be my Valentine.
Don't be square, be my Valentine.
Love hertz, be my Valentine.
Wave if you accept to be my Valentine.
The frequency of our dating would amplify if you are my Valentine.
From: "James D. Davis"
Oh, you could try the nerdy approach...
My love for you is incalculable.
Or you could try Tweety Bird talk...
I'm equate-y for you!
From: mark@walshnet.com (Mark Samwick)
I've finally worked up the courage to ask ... be a joule and Be My Valentine.
Would you be inclined to Be My Valentine?
It would matter to me if you'd agree to Be My Valentine.
End the chaos in my life. Be My Valentine.
I feel an impulse to ask you to Be My Valentine.
I've finally overcome the inertia of shyness to ask you to Be My Valentine.
I think of you with more and more frequency. Be My Valentine.
I can't resist asking you to Be My Valentine.
You generate excitement in my life. Be My Valentine.
I hope that from the smile on my face, you can extrapolate that I want
you to Be My Valentine.
If you'll agree to Be My Valentine from across the room, please
signify by giving me a standing wave.
If I ask you to Be My Valentine on February 15th, will you overlook
that relative deviation?
I think our relationship has potential. Be My Valentine.
My heart is sad. You can rectify that by agreeing to Be My Valentine.
My affection for you will never decay. Be My Valentine.
Are you going to Be My Valentine, or watt?
From: "TM"
Be my valen[cy]-tine.
Be my valentine and I square I'll be yours.
From: Mav
You're the root of my affection. I really mean it!
In case you didn't hear, I'll theta gain... Be mine!
Give me a sine... Will you be my Valentine?
My heart and my foot-pounds when you are around.
I'll give you a moment to decide if you'll be mine.
I need to ask yaw... will you be mine?
From: rg@netbistro.com (Megan Waves)
It was a magnetic moment when we met. Be my valentine.
You're the Great Attractor. Be my valentine.
From: pml
Roses reflect a light frequency at one end of the visible
electromagnetic spectrum,
Violets reflect a light frequency at the other end of the visible
electromagnetic spectrum,
Sugar is C12H22O11,
And you release the endorphins in my brain.
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REPLYING TO AN INVITATION TO A SCIENTISTS' BALL
From: xjr3000@aol.com (Xjr3000)
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Volta was electrified.
Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
Ampere was worried he wasn't up to current research.
Ohm resisted the idea at first.
Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.
Wilbur Wright said he'd take a flier on it.
Dr Jekyll declined -- he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
Morse replied: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now - must dash."
Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.
Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.
Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.
Audubon said he'd have to wing it.
Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a
space in his schedule.
Darwin said he'd have to see what evolved.
Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.
Descartes said he'd think about it.
Newton was moved to attend.
Pavlov was drooling at the thought.
Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.
--Sent by a friend, taken from the Net.
Addendum; with contributions by my wife.
Nobel got a big bang out of it.
Freud could barely repress his excitement.
Galileo thought people were much too inquisitive about the whole thing.
Franklin said it beat flying a kite in a thunderstorm.
Armstrong was regenerated by the certainty he would get a better
reception than at previous events.
Hewlett was oscillating in his feelings.
Cantor wasn't able to count all the invitations he'd received.
Godel said he couldn't prove it but he'd be there.
Hubble wanted to bring the idea into better focus.
Sagan enthused that out of the billions and billions of
invitations he'd received, he would pick just this one.
Birdseye was frozen in indecision.
Bardeen, Schockley, and Brattain thought the event might be
semi-conducive to a good time.
Bell put the invitation on hold but promised to get back to it as
soon as possible.
Watson had to determine precisely what jeans he would wear.
Fermat said his last invitation was truly wonderful but that he
couldn't fit it into the margins of his appointment book.
From: scotth9999@aol.com (Scott Harrison)
Darwin declined, saying he always seemed to make a monkey out of
himself on such occasions.
Galileo said he'd love to roll on down, but reminded everyone
that the Pope had him under house arrest.
Gamow got a big bang out of the whole idea.
Nobel thought the party-idea was dynamite!
Niels Bohr sent thanks for the complementary invitation.
Hans Bethe said the whole idea was stellar.
Richard Feynman studied the diagram and said the only way he
could make it is by going backward in time.
Steven Jay Gould and Niles Eldridge said they'd arrive by leaps
and bounds.
William Harvey said he would circulate the bloody idea.
From: twp@panix.com (Tom)
Avogadro said he would like to bring a number of friends.
Carnot cycled to the banquet.
Coulomb got a big charge out of the invitation.
Fourier said he had received a series of invitations.
Jung said this occasion would be archetypical.
Klein could hardly bottle up his enthusiasm.
L'Hospital said that, as a rule, he didn't go to banquets.
Laplace expected it to be a transforming experience.
Mesmer was hypnotized by the prospect.
Occam asked whether he would have to shave.
Pasteur said this was just the chance for which his mind was prepared.
Pythagoras said the guests were all too square for him.
Roentgen saw through the whole scheme.
Shannon promised to communicate his decision via the proper channels.
Turing said that after this party he would have to call a halt.
Van Allen said he would wear his new belt for the occasion.
Wien said he'd cross that bridge when he came to it.
From: jatzeck@freenet.edmonton.ab.ca (Bernhard Michael Jatzeck)
Newton gravitated towards such occasions.
Einstein made light of it, thinking it all relative.
Milliken replied: "Oil drop by some time."
Halley declined because he had another comet-ment.
Kelvin couldn't make it because of a cold.
Gauss normally didn't go to such functions.
From: middleto@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA (Gerard Middleton)
Naturally, Darwin said, he would select that engagement.
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