Canonical List of Math Jokes - Part 9 of 10
The following humor is from Joachim Verhagen's collection of science
and math humor, with permission. -- MLC
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From: bruce.whiteNOSPAM@usa.net (Bruce White)
The rest of these are jokes I wrote and delivered to a group of statisticians.
I don't ask for cash--credit is fine. ;-)
(Caveat--frequently, my aim in telling a joke is not laughter, but groans.)
How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb?
1-3, alpha = .05
There is no truth to the allegation that statisticians are mean.
They are just your standard normal deviates.
Did you hear about the statistician who invented a device to measure
the weight of trees?
It's referred to as the log scale.
Did you hear about the statistician who took the Dale Carnegie course?
He improved his confidence from .95 to .99.
Why don't statisticians like to model new clothes?
Lack of fit.
Did you hear about the statistician who was thrown in jail?
He now has zero degrees of freedom.
Statisticians must stay away from children's toys because they regress
so easily.
The only time a pie chart is appropriate is at a baker's convention.
Never show a bar chart at an AA meeting.
The last few available graves in a cemetery are called residual plots.
Old statisticians never die, they just undergo a transformation.
The most important statistic for car manufacturers is autocorrelation.
Some statisticians don't drink because they are t-test totalers.
Underwater ship builders are concerned with sub-optimization.
The Lipton Company is big on statistics -- especially t-tests.
A husband and wife, both statisticians, had the misfortune of passing
away within a day of one another. They had always planned to be
buried side by side. Unfortunately, the funeral home got them mixed
up with another husband and wife with similar wishes.
This became known as the first case of split-plot confounding.
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From: just kiddin (Elisabeth)
Q: What is 8 divided in two parts?
A: Vertically it is 3,
horizontally it is 0.
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From Susan Stepney (stepneys@logica.com)
I always love the "Doc Smith" approach to mathematics, where Our Hero glances
at an equation (sorry, "formula"), and instantly says "of course...!"
My experience is usually more like "I don't know what on earth that means"
... scribble, scribble, scribble ... "Oh, yes, but what a weird way of
writing it" ... scribble, scribble, scribble ... "now *this* should be a
much clearer way" ... scribble, scribble, scribble ... "oh, it's identical
to what I started with. But *now* I understand it." I can't *read* maths,
I can only write it. :-)
A colleague of mine put it better: "Mathematics is not a spectator sport".
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From: Greg Jednaszewski
"According to a recent poll, 51% of all Americans are in the majority."
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From a Dilbert cartoon:
The pointy-haired boss: "40% of the sick leaves are on a Monday or Friday.
This must change!"
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From: Ronan M Conroy (rconroy@rcsi.ie)
I'm not an outlier; I just haven't found my distribution yet.
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From: Michael Stueben
Q: How can you tell an extroverted mathematician?
A: He stares at YOUR shoes while talking to you.
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From: "Ed C"
"Mathematics is a game played according to certain simple rules with
meaningless marks on paper."
-- Hilbert, David (1862-1943)
[Asked for a testimony to the effect that Emmy Noether was a great
woman mathematician, he said:]
"I can testify that she is a great mathematician; but that she is a
woman, I cannot swear."
-- Landau, E.
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From: "Richard I. Pelletier"
"There are only two kinds of math books. Those you cannot read beyond
the first sentence, and those you cannot read beyond the first page."
-- C.N. Yang, about 1980 I think. (Nobel Prize in Physics, 1957.)
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From: "Ken Stevenson"
A student's lament:
If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my statistics
class: it would seem so much longer.
Allegedly (urban myth?) found scrawled in the inside cover of a
statistics textbook. Quoted in Sanders, DH; Murph, AF; Eng, RJ,
Statistics - A Fresh Approach, McGraw Hill, New York,1980, p xv.
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From: "Ken Stevenson"
If I feel unhappy, I do mathematics to become happy.
If I am happy, I do mathematics to keep happy.
P. Turan, "The Work of Alfred Renyi", Matematikai Lapok 21, 1970, pp 199-210
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From: mini-air 1999-01-10 Questionable Math
Mathematicians, as well as their opposite numbers, have responded
eagerly -- and repetitively -- to our essay question "Why is it
only mathematicians who say 'Why is this obvious?'"
More than 80% of the respondents said, "Because." When respondents
answered anything with other than "Because," it usually "Why not?"
Several of the other answers stood out, for various reasons:
"Because mathematics is the only profession in which the
practitioners are intelligent enough to realize that every person
on the planet is, basically, an idiot, and therefore might need
some time in order to comprehend the perfectly obvious."
-- Investigator J.C. Jamison
"The assertion is patently false. Why is this obvious?"
-- Investigator B. Kallick
"Given that the abstract algebra professor has red hair, and
teaches ring theory, then this is clearly a red hair ring."
-- Investigator L. Sherman
"Missing comma. The quote should have been: "Why, is this obvious?"
Much more in line with a mathematical professor's image."
-- Investigator Felix Finch
"Because math is the only subject where anything is *allowed* to
be obvious. In any other science, you have to get a grant, run an
experiment, write an excruciatingly equivocated research article,
and have it peer-reviewed and published and cited in at least 3
literature overviews. THEN it's obvious."
-- Investigator David Lantz
Q: Why is this obvious?
A: That depends on what your definition of 'is' is.
-- Investigator T. Rose
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THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF STATISTICS
* Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed
* All polar bears are left-handed
* If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance
it was nicked by a Polar bear
* 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles
* 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles
* Work stuffs up your eyesight
* All dogs are animals
* All cats are animals
* Therefore, all dogs are cats
Johan
Infinite Joke List
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From: jha@manx2.demon.co.uk (John Atkinson)
_New Scientist_ has a competition each year in which readers are invited to
let their dreams unfold and tell the world the headline they would most like
to see (in _New Scientist_) in the year to come.
Here are this year's winners:
Indestrooktibul spel chequer virrus on rimpoge
(Cheryl Chapman)
Time travel to be discovered next year
(J. White)
Statisticians show that 80 per cent of damned lies are true
(J. White)
Found--the gene that causes belief in genetic determinism
(Stephen Thompson)
Water into wine--ancient catalyst rediscovered
(Ray Heaton)
Half-dead cat found in box--RSCPA seeks Austrian scientist
(Peter Rowland)
Tony Blair cloned--regional assemblies to get one each
(George Oldham)
"Dolly" Thatcher wins 10 seats in Parliament
(Kevin Ennis)
Fleischman and Pons awarded Nobel prize
(Kevin Ennis)
Mir operating manual discovered behind refrigerator in Moscow supermarket
(Alastair Johnson)
The Universe stops expanding this week--
keew siht gnidnapxe spots esrevinU ehT
(Raymond Broersma)
Butterflies exterminated in Sumatra--"We WILL stop hurricanes," vows Clinton
(Bonnie Ralph)
Meteorite hits lottery winner
(Patrick Rowley)
Goodbye Dolly--biotechnology triumph mown down by tourist's car
(Richard Collender)
"Face" on Mars proves to be optical illusion--
NASA now investigating "vase" on Mars
(Bruce Alcorn)
Microsoft help helps
(Mike Haslam)
"Guilt" gene isolated and destroyed--millions enjoy Christmas
(Melissa Lewis)
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Here are some phrases used to remember SIN, COS, and TAN.
(SIN = Opposite/Hypotenuse, COS = Adjacent/H, TAN = O/A).
From: dannyb@panix.com (danny burstein):
Soh-Kah-Toa Sine=opposite/hypotenuse, etc.
From: stephan@artn.iit.edu (Stephan Meyers)
Some officers add curly auburn hair to offer attraction
From: kcousins@awadi.com.au (Kevin Cousins)
Sydney Opera House: Costs are higher than originally anticipated.
From: pyotr@chinook.halcyon.com (Peter D. Hampe)
Oscar Had A Heap Of Apples - you just have to remember the sine, cosine,
tangent progression on your own.
From: Andrew Rogers (rogers@sasuga.hi.com):
Saddle Our Horses, Canter Away Happily, To Other Adventures.
From: cs92dy@cen.ex.ac.uk
Silly old Henry, caught Albert hugging two old Aunts.
From: heath@pi.cs.fsu.edu (Taliver B Heath)
SOHCAHTOA (sock-a-toe-a)
The Cat Sat
On An Orange
And Howled Hard
Some Old Hulks
Carry A Huge
Tub Of Ale
Silly Old Hitler
Caused Awful Headaches
To Our Airmen
Some Old Hairy
Camels Are Hairier
Than Others Are
Silly Old Harry
Caught A Herring
Trawling Off America
SOPHY, CADHY, TOAD
From: John Jetmore
"The Old Arab Sat On His Camel And Hiccupped"
From: raistlin@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (Paul)
For remembering the sign of trig functions in the quadrants:
All Suckers Take Calculus:
in quadrants one through four
S | A
---|---
T | C
All = sin, cos, and tan are all posative
Suckers = sine positive (others negative)
Take = tangent positive (others negative)
Calculus = cosine positive (others negative)
From: royl@zen.icl.co.uk (Roy Lakin)
I was taught it as a CAST-iron rule
^
|
|
| ^ positive
S | A |
---+-----------> | 0
T | C |
v negative
taking quadrant 1 (all) covering positive X and Y
From: dloucks@primenet.com (Donovan Loucks)
Signs of trignometric functions in the four quadrants:
Aunt Sally Tickles Cannibals
Admiral Spock Tickles Cabbages
After Saturday, Tommy Croaked
Atra Shaved Timmy Closer
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From: "Chiem Whua Ma"
My father learned this in Hong Kong and I can't believe it hasn't
made it's way here sooner.
The mnemonic doesn't hold in English, but it's only needed for the
placement of the functions which is easily remembered.
(This MUST be viewed in a non-proportional font):
+---------------+
| |
| SIN-----COS |
| \ / |
| \ / |
| \ / |
| TAN--1--COT |
| | / \ | |
| | / \ | |
| |/ \| |
| SEC CSC |
| |
+---------------+
(SIN TAN SEC on left, CO-functions on right, 1 in the middle)
Using this chart (I just look at it in my head) you can remember the
following things:
Across the 1:
1/SIN = CSC or 1/CSC = SIN
1/TAN = COT or 1/COT = TAN
1/SEC = COS or 1/COS = SEC
Down any triangle:
SIN^2 + COS^2 = 1
TAN^2 + 1 = SEC^2
1 + COT^2 = CSC^2
Up any triangle:
SEC^2-1 = TAN^2 or 1-TAN^2 = SEC^2
CSC^2-1 = COT^2 or CSC^2-COT^2 = 1
1-SIN^2 = COS^2 or 1-COS^2 = SIN^2
A function and its two nearest CLOCKWISE or COUNTERCLOCKWISE neighbors
around any edge of the square:
(listed starting at TAN going clockwise)
TAN = SIN/COS
SIN = COS/COT
COS = COT/CSC
CSC = SEC/TAN
SEC = TAN/SIN
(listed starting at TAN going counter-clockwise)
TAN = SEC/CSC
SEC = CSC/COT
CSC = COT/COS
COS = SIN/TAN
SIN = TAN/SEC
A function and its two neighbors around any edge of the square:
(listed starting at TAN going clockwise)
TAN = SIN*SEC
SIN = COS*TAN
COS = COT*SIN
CSC = COT*SEC
SEC = TAN*CSC
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From: RickT
Quotes from Maths Lessons:
Student: What have I done wrong here? [puzzled]
Teacher: You have cancelled 4/9 to get 1/3
Student: Yeah...
Teacher: Which is well - wrong.
Hold on, I think I have just spelt that number wrong..... Yeah, that's
it 0.4661 should be spelt 0.4116.....That's better.
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It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show
that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest.
-- S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.
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From: dpbsmith@world.std.com (Daniel P. B. Smith)
Old Euclid drew a circle
On a sand-beach long ago.
He bounded and enclosed it
With angles thus and so.
His set of solemn greybeards
Nodded and argued much
Of arc and of circumference,
Diameter and such.
A silent child stood by them
From morning until noon
Because they drew such charming
Round pictures of the moon.
--Vachel Lindsay
OK, I cribbed them from the collection "Fantasia Mathematica," edited by
Clifton Fadiman, recently reprinted I think, which is full of stuff you
might be able to use...
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From: dpbsmith@world.std.com (Daniel P. B. Smith)
And then of course, there's always the cheer:
Sine! Cosine! Cosine! Sine!
Three point one four one five nine!
Phi! Psi! Omega! Chi!
Cube root of Y cubed equals Y!
--circulated among nerdish high school students circa 1960
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From: scotth9999@aol.com (ScottH9999)
"Our paper became a monograph. When we had completed the details, we
rewrote everything so that no one could tell how we came upon our ideas
or why. This is the standard in mathematics."
-- David Berlinski, "Black Mischief" (1988)
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From: kjwest4@shore.net (ken)
"To avoid the clamor of the Boetians".
C.F. Gauss, on why he did not immediately reveal his discovery of
non-Euclidean geometry.
[Karl F. Gauss (1777-1855), German mathematician]
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From: scotth9999@aol.com (ScottH9999)
"Mathematics: A tentative agreement that two and two make four."
--Elbert Hubbard
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From Science Week (http://scienceweek.com)
Mathematicians may flatter themselves that they possess new ideas which mere
human language is as yet unable to express. Let them make the effort to
express these ideas in appropriate words without the aid of symbols, and if
they succeed they will not only lay us laymen under a lasting obligation,
but, we venture to say, they will find themselves very much enlightened
during the process, and will even be doubtful whether the ideas as
expressed in symbols had ever quite found their way out of the equations
into their minds.
-- James Clerk Maxwell (1831-1879) [Scottish physicist]
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From: Larry Bavly
Q: Why would defeating the Chicago Bulls in the playoffs be like solving
a system of linear equations?
A: Because one would accomplish a Krause-Jordan elimination.
(Bulls GM Jerry Krause, Bulls player Michael Jordan)
For non-americans: The Chicago Bulls belong to the National Basketball
Association (USA) and their superstar player is Michael Jordan.
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From: Jeff Erickson
Theorem: All numbers are boring.
Proof (by contradiction):
Suppose x is the first non-boring number. Who cares?
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From: Dmitry Cheryasov
A question is asked to CS department students. The question is:
What is the value of '2*2'?
(1st year student): says '4', without any thinking.
(2nd year student): says '4, exactly', after a moment of thinking.
(3rd year student): takes a pocket calculator, presses some buttons, says '4'.
(4th year student): writes a program of about 100 lines, debugs it, runs it
and says: '4.0e+00'.
(5th year student): designs a new programming language that perfectly
fits for solving such problems, implements it,
writes a program, and answers: 'It says "4", but
I doubt if I really fixed that ugly bug last night...'
(student just before the final graduation exams): cries in desperation:
'Why, why do you think I must know all those
constants by heart?!'
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From: Larry Bavly
Q: Why did the identity sin(2r) = 2sin(r) get turned down for a loan?
A: Because it needed a cos(r). (co-signer)
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From: "Frank Kosanke"
(Blame translation from German on Joachim)
A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician make their first parachute
jump. Before the jump the instructor explains exactly what they must do:
Jump out of the plane, count until three, and pull the line.
The physicist jumps. For him counting 'till three is too inexact and too
primitive. Instead, he calculates from his height, angle and velocity
the exact moment he should pull the line for a soft landing and arrives
optimally.
The engineer is a practical man and thinks calling to three is too
unreliable and therefore dangerous... He jumps and pulls the line
immediately. He takes a bit longer than the physicist but he lands
safely.
Both see the mathematician jump out of the plane. He falls ...
and falls ... and falls ... No parachute opens and finally he falls on
the ground. Fortunately, he lands in a haystack. The physicist and
engineer walk alarmed to the haystack and while they dig him out they
hear him say: "From this follows from complete induction: 3."
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From: jkelber@gladstone.uoregon.edu (Judah Kelber)
Advanced math
Seen the week before finals on the chalkboard right after a Math 233
(Discrete Math) class at the University of Oregon:
59 + 34 + 2 + 37 + 97 = some number
And here I thought math classes were hard....
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From: qseep@iname.com (Quantum Seep)
My mother is a mathematician, so she knows how to induce good behavior.
"If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times...."
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From: madore@news.ens.fr (David Madore)
Q: What is grey and huge and has integer coefficients?
A: An elephantine equation.
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"Differentials are the ghosts of departed quantities."
-- Alfred North Whitehead explains the mathematical concept of differentials
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From: Michael Rothgery
Before Al Gore became vice president of the United States, he worked
briefly as a drummer for a little known night club act. Some people
say that during that time he came up with the best most mathmatically
precise rhythms ever known to man. They are now called appropriately
enough:
Al Gore Rhythms.
[author unknown]
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From: Eike Michaelis (E.Michaelis@gmx.de)
When a mathematician writes a Fantasy book, will the page numbers be
imaginary numbers?
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From: Bill Taylor (mathwft@math.canterbury.ac.nz)
Mobius strip no-wear belt drive!
(Please see other side for warranty details.)
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From: Joe English (jenglish@flightlab.com)
Then there was the crackpot category theoretician who thought he was a
catamorphism operation. He'd walk around the psych ward with a pair of
bananas, which he'd hold up around the other patients and giggle maniacally.
Once he did this to the resident hypochondriac (who was convinced he
was in the final stages of inoperable brain cancer), but it didn't
seem to bother him.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"I'm constructing a unique arrow," said the crackpot, "with YOU as its target!"
"So what's the big deal about that?" said the hypochondriac. "I'm terminal."
(Of course, this joke is only funny if the
mental hospital is Cartesian Closed...)
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From: Oscar Lanzi III (o13@webtv.net)
Two mathematicians walk into a restaurant for lunch.
One challenges the other to a wager, loser pays the tab:
Said the challenger: "The waitperson will not know the correct
formula for (a+b)^2."
"You're on!" was the reply.
They place their order and the waitperson is asked the formula for (a+b)^2.
The waitperson replied:
"Obviously, (a+b)^2 = a^2 + b^2."
"Provided, of course, that a and b are anticommutative!"
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From: Quiplash (quiplash@aol.comnojunk)
For a good prime call: 555.793.7319
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Jean Debord
A French riddle to remember the digits of "e" :
Tu aideras a rappeler ta quantite a beaucoup de docteurs amis.
(You will help to remember your quantity to many friend doctors.)
I have found them in the last issue (October 1998) of "Pour la science"
(French edition of "Scientific American").
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From the "Cow" collection at http://www.brandonu.ca/~ennsnr/Cows/part1.html
(__)
(oo)
/---------\/
/ | x=a(b)||
* ||------||
^^ ^^
Mathematical Cow
(developer of
cow-culus)
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